No action.  

I can’t believe I came to that conclusion AND that it worked out!  I’m so used to being hyper responsible and everything falling on my shoulders.  My little one needed dental work and apparently these days they use the gas instead of the numbing shots.  Knowing what happened when she was 2 months old, there was SO much freaking out inside not only at the thought of dental work which has been a huge issue with us, but watching our little one go through it was too much, especially the thought of her using the gas.

I told hubby about it and he said he’d have to do it.  I hoped but never like to count on things working out- I mean just the other day I’d filled air in the tires, ended up forgetting to turn the car off- left the ignition switch on and killed the battery.  I was about to walk the kids to school not knowing what else to do but thankfully a neighbor was able to help!  But then later that evening when we went to jump the car with the other car, found out the battery had corroded horribly on the good car battery!  So hubby had to go to the auto place and they helped him out  But you get my point, usually things don’t work out.

 

Thankfully, hubby took her and she had a good experience.  While I’m sure I would have trudged through the situation for her best interest, this was one case, it was good her daddy was able to be there for her.

It’s often hard to know when I need to do something and when I need someone else to do something (and asking them is even harder).  But this situation has taught me a valuable lesson…there are times I need to step back for the best of the situation (and for my sanity).

I have a complicated situation.  I have to say, I now have experience on all sides of abuse.  It’s an ugly picture.  I’m in the midst of piecing my own life together while at the same time I have a vindictive “baby momma” attempting to make my life a living hell- shaking security and family.

Growing up, eventually I did know there was a such thing as CPS.  Though there were a few points of “weakness” (as some protectors call it) to tell a teacher, though small bits seeped, it was never enough to get attention.  In fact, by the time I made it to my first therapist in my early 20′s, I didn’t speak to him for 3 sessions.  I would answer basic questions like name, or address or what school do you go to.  But nothing remotely personal.  This was just my personal experience.  I never made it to the system, never filed charges nor dealt with the police and court system in prosecuting an offender.

However, I learned about secrecy.  I saw how small towns turn the other way and protect “their own” though apparently I wasn’t their own.  Then when I did student teaching, again in a small town, I witness a small boy being verbally harassed by two teachers.  I mean imagine the picture of a small five year old boy being verbally teased and harassed by a 40 something and 50 something year old woman!  When I became a teacher I swore I’d never let a child go through what I did.  I went to my supervising professors and told them and guess what they told me?  They told me I’d never be believed because these were two respected and tenured teachers.  Which sounded oddly like what I’d heard growing up.  I couldn’t tell then because it would only hurt the family and no one would believe me anyway.  They told me I could pursue it, however, I would not graduate.  My tail tucked between my legs I thought of the bigger picture and thought at least I’ll get my degree and then I can make a difference.

So, I’ve been the one abused and I’ve witnessed abuse.  Now, I complete the circle by being accused of abuse.  See, all these years, I was pissed there were people who claimed “false allegations”.  It seemed such an evil process for the abused.  However, I have to say this is a pitiful swamp to be stuck in.  All allegations have been unsubstantiated.  At least this part they get right.  However, she can continue playing this “game” and there is nothing I can do, or so I’m told.  This is the “black hole” of protecting the children that I have found.  I don’t know how to fix the problem, but I see it now.  I don’t know who to tell, I’ve found a few names of people involved at the level needed, but even so I’m not sure I want pulled into something that could cause my family more grief (because this woman is easily triggered and when she’s triggered she strikes).

So, CPS gets a call and they take the information.  Now, a few years ago, my husband called CPS because after talking to his sister who is a social worker, we determined there was a strong possibility there was some sort of sexual abuse happening.  One of the first questions the CPS worker asked was “Do you know how the perp is?”  The answer was, “Not sure because it’s not happening in our care but it’s someone her mother knows.”  So that led to the second question of, “Are you and the child’s mother divorced?”  The answer of course was yes and the call ended.  The CPS worker said they do not get involved in custody disputes.

So, now, we have a mother calling on a father and all of a sudden, CPS takes names, address, numbers and every shred of information they can get.  CPS and now even local police have made calls boldly taking a case in hand that sounds horrid and within 30 seconds they are shaking their heads that things aren’t adding up.  Then we talk and they start asking about visitation, lies that have been told, history, etc and they all comment, “Oh it’s another one of these custody dispute cases.”  Technically it’s not a custody dispute.  Technically it’s a case of mother doing what she has to in order to get father out of her child’s life.  She has tried everything else, so now she’s gone “nuclear” as they say.

I saw this happen twice before.  My first stepmother did this to her kids.  She convinced them their father molested them.  She wanted him out and for her, her kids & my dad to be an exclusive family.  Dinner table conversations were indoctrination.  It went badly, especially since my dad left her and the kids quickly became unstable.

The second time a friend of mine was in a custody dispute with her ex and she pulled some of this- but never went nuclear (at least while I was there).  She mostly stayed in sabotage.

So, the attorney tells us that while there is a law against false reporting, she has not yet seen a judge or prosecutor do anything about it.  They want reports, not people to be afraid to report.  So because we are in the midst of a vindictive person, we’re supposed to act like we are swatting flies- irritating but nothing you can do.  I don’t know how a “normal” person reacts to this…but I’m not slightly irritated.  I mean do you know what it feels like to be accused of something that you know is false?

So, here’s the bottom line.  Here is the problem.  See, when CPS and the police come knocking on our door, they have a report that a child has been abused.  When they see it’s a vindictive allegation over custody/visitation they simply label the file unsubstantiated.  When they do this they get rid of the file after 30 days on one level and after 6 months the record is no where to be found.  So when she calls in 6 months it’s like the previous allegation doesn’t exist.  Also, apparently she can go from jurisdiction to jurisdiction too.

That being said, what is missing here?  Did you catch it?  A report was made that a child was being abused.  The child has stated she was abused.  It was clear the people accused of being her abusers are not the ones who abused her.  It was clear the accusation was because of custody/visitation disputes.  So everyone walks away.  How is this “protecting the child?”  Shouldn’t the next question be “Why is this child saying this?”  ”Why is this mother saying this?”  ”If this child is exhibiting mental illness symptoms shouldn’t she be monitored to be ensured she is getting the help she needs whether she was abused or not and if not, why lie and try to get your father convicted of a major crime?”  This child is screaming for help (whether she realizes the help she needs or not is another story).  Here she is screaming, and no one is there.  We can’t get to her.  Her mother has pulled her out of school too!  And CPS closes the case and walks away.  It seems to me, they aren’t “protecting the children”, they are simply deciding on the allegation.  I get that they are “overworked” but isn’t this causing more work for them?  If the first time they had spent more time on the case, then maybe the 2nd call wouldn’t have come through and wasted even more resources.  And according to her therapist, there will be plenty more accusations coming.  They say nothing about her mother taking her out of school because she was failing or because she didn’t want to go.  They say nothing about her lying and stealing.  They say nothing about her inconsistent stories or the fact that she is saying the same thing her mother says.  Why not protect the child?  Why not spend a bit more time on the case and think about it and actually get the child the help they need?  This child isn’t a box on a form.  Neither are we.

Until CPS really tries to help the child instead of pushing papers, there will continue to be many children fall through the cracks and end up as the scary statics you hear on the news and there will be many people’s lives ruined by false allegations who are already grieving the loss of a living child.  This isn’t about one person, the effects ripple large as I haven’t even included others affected.

I find it sad and I want to do something.  I see the problem.  I know more laws will probably only be more of a nightmare.  This isn’t a checklist- this is life.

 

There really IS a difference between mental illness and being a sociopath!  I have many thoughts on so many political things right now, but as I see things unravel I am concerned where this is headed.  Mental illness (I hate that word by the way- because exactly what is mental normal?!?) has been the big pink elephant in the room for so long.  And not only that, but no one wants to admit the big pink elephant exists or that they may have the same characteristics of the big pink elephant so they down the big pink elephant who sits in the corner.

So now we’re bringing mental illness (did I mention how much I loathe this phrase already?!?) into national discussion.  Which voices will be heard and understood?  What considerations will be taken?  If you ask those idiot psychiatrists in North Dakota (with the exception of one wonderful one if she is still in that horrid state of affairs) DID doesn’t exist and I’m simply trying to get attention.  Ask the military, or even the CIA…they know DID exists- there are enough unclassified documents to show they have created it and used it basically as a weapon.  Oh, yea…the government!  How ironic!

So with all this legislation I’m supposed to get a warm & fuzzy feeling that my records can go “electronic”?  Sigh.  I just wish someone would understand how hard it is to be DID and have any trust.  That’s what it boils down to for me.  I grew up believing if I ever told x, y & z would happen (and x, y & z are NOT good).  

But back to the real problem.  There are people who do really stupid stuff.  If I believe the accounts given by the media, I still wonder how any of this would help them.  The way I grew up, any “defects” were not to be acknowledged and especially not in public.  I wonder if my brother will cease getting the help he needs because my mother is still in that mentality.  But there is obviously more to the story.  And then there is life.  There is that one thing that just sends someone over the edge.  That one thing that even that person doesn’t see coming and they snap.  I’m not saying that would “excuse” any of these horrid scenarios, but I just wish the government would “think” (yea I know…) before they jump because what they may find is a lot more people are going to feel backed into corners and unable to get the help they need because not only will they have to acknowledge they have similar characteristics to the big pink elephant, but they will have to say in public, “Hi my name is Big Pink Elephant.”  

So I do apologize for going political today- but when mental illness *shudder* enters the spotlight, I just hope those of us with diagnoses can be heard, understood and have a soft landing instead of having the interrogation lights turned on.

Oh and on that topic, I’ve been doing some genealogy snooping.  It’s um, fun trying to see how the “stories” I was told growing up match up to the “real data”.  I’ll have to share some tidbits soon- I’m creating a timeline.

As a child, I learned quite early not to hope.  At least not to hope in anything “good”.  I learned that when things were going good- it would come to an end.  I also learned the better I felt, the harder the drop when something went wrong.  

This philosophy served me well for many years.  Then I got married to a “good” guy and have kids.  Now I have no choice but to hope.  Yet, I struggle with this.  Even though I have a great husband and great kids, it doesn’t seem to fail that there is a dark cloud nearby ready to strike, and it often does.  Sometimes it’s little things like the deck falling down (yea not so little but material and inanimate objects) and other times it’s personal.

It’s the personal things that really send me reeling.  Heck, the refrigerator was breaking down and before I knew it (an insider of course took over) and the refrigerator was in pieces (then it was time to pick up the kids).  Then later that night, it was all back together and working!  See, that stuff, we can often overcome.

It’s the personal I have a hard time with.  I can’t mention specifics here for security reasons but a vicious ex-wife using the court system to hurt my husband, me and my kids.  When I have to sit my kids down and explain to them who CPS is and that no matter what they would never go to a foster home- even in worst case that me or daddy wasn’t able to be here to take care of them, they have a grandma/grandpa and aunts & uncles who’d have them before anything could happen.  And like I told them, we stay on top of things so that the truth comes out quickly.

It amazes me how just writing that much gives me such a nasty headache.  There is an internal battle right now on this very topic of hope but maybe for them the battle is over voice.  They want me to stuff our lives in a box and sit on it and be a robot.  Yea, life isn’t that easy- but they don’t understand that.

The other personal issue was from my family.  I found out my brother had a temper tantrum.  Then I found out my mother blames me for it.  Yep, I’m quite a distance away- oh about 4 hours.  However, the day before she forced him to come visit me.  Yep, I hadn’t seen him in 6 months or so and he was here with our mother and our sister but it’s MY fault that he had a temper tantrum (he’s grown but has deficiencies- long story- I may have posted on it some before).

They say there is a time to heal, but how can a solider heal on a battlefield?  Does a boxer heal while he is still in the ring getting hit?  The depression has been deep maybe because this battle has gone deep.  

Some say “Life sucks.”  

Others say, “We must put on a smile and have a blank past.”

Others yearn to be real, to feel loved and wanted.
And of course there are those who want justice- who feel rage and want someone to know what happened and even hope there will be consequences- maybe just someone to acknowledge and show it matters that we were hurt.  Someone to give us respite- a time to heal.

Last year I had two hip surgeries and had two false reports filed against me and my family.  There were probably more, but those are the first two that come to mind.  In the past week, the first week of 2013 my mother has shown me my place in her family and the battle continues on in the latest false report and partly it continues because we plan to take legal action because I’d rather not go through this every 6 months or less.

I’ve been depressed and maybe even angry.  Maybe I’m the injured animal biting anyone who comes near me right now.  School begins again in a few hours- I think I’m going to take at least another week off before I volunteer again because I have to have some inner peace as I won’t volunteer if I’m not where I should be mentally.

Maybe I miss my moments to heal?  Maybe I waste them away in denial and avoidance…either way it is a new year and I’m still here.

Ever since, well, as far back as can be remembered…a looming question has always been “Can they see the damage?”  There is the argument that if someone were able to see the physical damage done internally it would validate the experience.  One reason SI happens with us is to make a physical pain to be able to see a wound that hurts because our wounds aren’t visible.  The other side argues though, if there is physical proof of what happened, that is dangerous to us because that would mean, “they know”.

So I mentioned yesterday I had surgery three weeks ago.  I had surgery on my left hip at the end of January.  This was my right hip.  I thought the doctor understood all along that both my labrums in my hips were torn.  However, he kept putting me off and once the test was run that showed evidence of a torn labrum he was literally in shock.  When he talked to my husband after surgery he was still in shock and when the damage was worse than he thought as well, he didn’t know what to say.  

So during this process, he said I wasn’t his typical patient with two torn labrums.  Of course my question back was, ok so what is?  He said the only times he has seen two torn labrums has been in traumatic accidents.  I also found out, out of over 400 surgeries, I’m one of 5 who has had the surgery for a torn labrum bilaterally.  One patient was in a major ATV accident, another a football player who was hit on the field and another a tennis player who slipped or fell into a split.  So how does a SAHM fit into this group of people?

This is the question that has been looming large now.  Which is a different position than normal.  Usually I go to the doctor and they basically pat me on the head.  Now I know why.  The injuries don’t make sense. They see a SAHM.  They don’t know the abuse and neglect.  

The difficult part now is, these pictures in my mind…is this physical proof that they really are real?  

What will end up being the extent of the damage?  I had some more confirmations today from a physical therapist that my nerve damage is real.  

While I cannot post some of the things I am thinking because of many fears – I can post this…could it have been purposeful to damage only where the eyes cannot see?

I am trying to write bits and pieces as I still haven’t gotten up enough nerve to call my therapist and schedule an appointment.  The fear of what will happen if I tell what I see in the pictures in my mind…I freeze.  Maybe rightfully so?

in plain sight because everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives, they really aren’t taking notes on yours

I am sorry I haven’t written in a while and I was going to do an update but then thought I’ll update as I write.  A post came to me a bit ago as I listened to my husband talking about work.

I often hear people be self-conscious about different things.  I’ll admit I’m very self-conscious as well- probably on a hyper-alert level.   However,  I have learned some things.  As my therapist says (when I go- I’m sorta avoiding at the moment), I look for patterns in everything.  So in my life through different circumstances I have taken notes and in times when I am having trouble with feeling self-conscious I remind myself of these lessons.

First, people truly are too busy in their own lives to be taking notes on yours.  As a mystery shopper I was always on alert that I have to make sure no one sees that I’m taking notes on them.  This is a big rule of mystery shopping and I even have been “identified”.  However, what I learned about these experiences was it wasn’t even like the employees saw me do anything and called into corporate and said, “I know who our mystery shopper is.”.  The process is way too easy for the side of the business in the case of mystery shopping.  A business gets a bad report so their reply to cover themselves (even though they provided poor service) is to say, “I’ve identified the mystery shopper.”  At this point I am put on notice.  However, tell me why they only identify me when they do poorly.  Back to my main point though- as a mystery shopper, I noticed that no one was paying attention to me.  Some assignments even called for me to do some quite brazen things such as taking pictures in public.  I thought for sure someone would see me do such a thing.  And the shops where I would do the shop then reveal myself to congratulate or fail a business in person, the cashier was always shocked.  Many employees don’t even know about the shopper program to even think to look.  When I first started doing the jobs I thought for sure I’d be noticed.  Over time I saw I wasn’t even noticed at all.  This helped me realize people are doing their own thing, not just watching me.

Secondly I learned that “It’s not all about me.”  Nope, it really isn’t.  This came to me as a relief.  See, being self-conscious really is a double-edged sword.  On one hand you feel that everyone is watching you and on the other, you think everyone is worried about what you are doing.  In reality we all have our own stuff.  Have you ever “people-watched”?  I have to say in my hyper-awareness I do this often.  I see people walking down the street, shopping in a store and I realize quite quickly that they have their own agendas and I’m not even in their line of vision.  I often try to place myself in their shoes and wonder what the world must look like from their point of view.  I mean you see the person rushing down the sidewalk talking on a cell phone or the parent trying to keep three kids “behaving” while grocery shopping or the person sitting alone at a time wiping away a silent tear and you have to wonder what goes through their minds.  I have to admit it sometimes drives me a tad crazy when I’m with someone and all they want to do is shift the conversation so that it surrounds them.  However, I have found this is often the case.  Most times I am quite happy, but other times I feel isolated.  Sometimes I test the waters, other times I don’t do it on purpose but I will wait to see when someone contacts me.  In family it’s kinda funny to do just this.  My dad, if he doesn’t hear from me for a couple weeks, my phone rings because if he hasn’t heard at least something he knows something is going on- not always negative, but it means I haven’t taken the time to write and he tries to be supportive.  My sister I think means very well, however, I know her life is quite busy and maybe, just maybe she understands how busy my life is now too since she has little ones at home.  My mom, she’s the one that is most interesting.  She can go quite some time without checking up on me. I can email and it can take forever to get a response.  And things can go quiet for a while.  So she emails the other day and I haven’t “found the extra time” to write back yet and so today I get an email from my sister just saying she hasn’t heard from me in a while.  I can deduce that mom and sister talked today.  I am shocked by how many people do recognize me, though it’s more often because of my kids than me.  In general I have found though, all things being equal- I don’t have to try hard to be a chameleon.  

So what brought up this whole topic?  The times in which I am noticed.  My husband was interviewed by corporate loss prevention because the store he works at part time has been targeted twice now in the theft of product.  The first time he wasn’t there and wasn’t told it happened.  The second time he was there.  However, when the person from corporate talked to him, he brought up his shopping habits at this store.  The amount of information the had was astounding.  Which my husband had no problem answering their questions because his shopping habits are simple and logical, plus it has to do with me being a bit of an extreme couponer.  However, for me it was more disturbing.  As much as I take comfort in the fact that people aren’t just watching my every move, every now and then I find out there are things in place to watch what I do.  This loss prevention person was able to give details of my husband’s shopping that showed it was caught on camera.  I understand security cameras and such but I feel that it’s not something used unless there is criminal activity.  While a crime took place that day, it was not in my husband’s shopping habits and that was affirmed in the conversation.  However, I know that I am going to have a roadblock now in going to the store now- any store knowing how this system works.  It’s one thing when the person is there, and another when they are remote- at least in my mind.

Ah, and that brings me full circle- it is the remote part that bothers me.  I had surgery 3 weeks ago and that has triggered a shift in the internal workings of the system.  I’ve come to realize that in this shift I think some memories are starting to come forward and piece together.  However, because of the content of these memories and the reluctance to believe it’s possible as well as the internal parts that don’t want anyone to know these memories exist it has created quite an odd environment.  There has been intense paranoia which can mostly be combated with the above knowledge, but then what doesn’t help the case is the scenario of tonight.  

I haven’t been to therapy since the surgery.  I am quite torn about this.  On one hand I want to go, but on the other I’m frightened.  The parts of paranoia are convinced the therapist cannot find out about these memories.  At the same time, I feel I need to go because he is the only one that I can even get close to telling these things to and maybe he can help me figure out how to help the paranoia as well as “be a keeper of the memory” because the ones I am dealing with don’t want any trace of us to exist, to be found.

We have returned from vacation and I might say that each one is better than the last

While it was chilly and rainy much of our visit to the beach, we spent much of the time at attractions- Aquarium, Wonderworks, Helicopter ride over the beach and the Sky Wheel.  I have TONS of pictures I am still sorting through.  The kids had a good time it seems.  The only thing was we wish there were more time at the beach and the pools but had we done that, then we wouldn’t have gotten to all the other things.  Oh yea, and we saw one of the Lego Stations too.

So now we are back home.  We might travel again soon, we shall see when and where.  It was nice to be able to travel and not be in horrid pain.  It is still frustrating that the symptoms keep coming back so there is still more healing to be done on the physical front, but definite progress has been made!  Also I know work will most likely start in therapy this coming week.  He did a good job of answering questions and concerns.  I still have to say, I’m not sure how this is going to work- it seems so foreign.  Avoidance as always been the way.

Last session it was mostly OD talking to T, but I’m not sure he quite realized it.  Anyway, he told her that now that the medical stuff is being properly addressed he wants to get back to therapy and he believes EMDR is the way to go with us.  He explained the process to her (she is very medically minded) and said he thinks it will help.  He says that it simply helps the brain reprocess and make connections, etc and that since we don’t “speak” very much in therapy especially when it comes to the past and “painful” things, that with this we don’t even have to tell him what comes up – it’s just that it does and gets properly digested.

We did this once- I had to ask him to stop- might have done it twice- so might have been the 2nd time- the first time i think was very short and after we left things started popping up, then the 2nd time had to ask him to stop because so much was popping up.  He did and was ok with it.

We leave for vacation on sunday so not sure if he means we’ll do emdr tomorrow (well, today at this point) or not.  usually he wouldn’t, but i think he feels like we are dragging our feet   things have been pretty crazy…

however, what he said is true.  we don’t talk deeply- not only has he not connected with anyone with deep past pains, but for the most part, those of us up front haven’t either- it’s not something beyond newsprint to us.  So knowing he wants to do this- (he also thinks this may help us get some answers as to the physical problems and maybe even where they are rooted – not that they aren’t real- we have proof of that now- but maybe incidents that could have created the physical problems we now have) there has been a LOT of talk inside.  While in North Dakota, a lot of things happened that shut much of the thought of getting close to a t down.  a ‘hurt’ alter came to the front (by accident) and her memories were shown and it was pretty freaky.  The therapist was young and new and he freaked out and referred us to the county system which really messed us up- the only good thing was there was a pdoc who found us and took over the case while she could and it’s probably why OD is the person she is now.  However, there was a LOT of bad, every other dr encountered didn’t believe DID existed and they believed we were attention seeking.  However, even before that, we never got “too close” to a t- we were traveling and switching t’s and have been good at evading work.

So, do we want to work, or not?  I guess that’s the real question.  on the surface, sure we do- we want to get better- but we don’t believe that’s possible.  Also there are some who are under the old rules of we aren’t allowed and will be punished if we tell.  but even that aside, it seems like there are so many trap doors and locks and trip wires that everything is a smoke screen- just when we think someone is revealing a memory and they are the one it happened to, they aren’t – they aren’t hurt by it- they are reading a news story about it if that makes sense.  I do think the 2 year old that accidently came out that one time, i think she was real- i remember that and those images will never leave me.  is that what he wants?  for ones like her to come forward?  maybe it’s not possible any more?  maybe the system won’t let it.  maybe we are too scared of being rejected and shipped off again.

i want to work in t, but again, its not me he really wants to talk to – what do i do?  i’m afraid if i go in there and try to explain all this- i’m evading…yet i don’t know- it seems there are now so many layers of protection over these that it seems impossible to reach them…he thinks the emdr will…OD says she understands where he is coming from and thinks that the process of emdr might be something we need- just like our tests showed our nerve system is really screwed up- maybe the brain waves/signals are too and the emdr would help them and we could get things back on track.  things were on track for a long time and i know what turned it upside down- it was a specific event- we haven’t been the same since.  maybe they are right- this will help…but at the same time- what if it fails- what if this still doesn’t reach the hurts and pains?  he said what’s important and vital is the emdr is a choice- ie we can do the emdr and if something is triggered but someone in they system doesn’t want it to come forward they can stop it.  at the same time, i feel like i’m wasting time by all this avoiding.

i’m struggling between i want to be in t and i want to be healthier, but at the same time, it’s like i don’t know what to do- does that make sense?  it’s like i can’t take a hurt one by the hand and hold them and let them tell t their story so he can help them…

thanks for letting me ramble…it’s what’s on my mind…

My absence has been way too long!  My recovery from surgery hit a bump though it really had no direct link to the surgery.  I had many physical symptoms, many of which I have mentioned here.  Though no doctor could ever explain them.  However, with my doctor being concerned I had RSD/CRPS – I knew time was not on my side.  Not to mention my symptoms had escalated AND nerve/tissue damage was potential.

With the support of my husband, therapist and a few others who knew about it, I ventured and kept asking questions.  I finally found a unique doctors office that combines more natural medical practice such as chiropractic with traditional medical practice including specialties such as a neurologist.  Finally I feel like I am getting answers!  All this burning and tingling in my hands and feet (and potentially explains intermittent weakness in my legs that has made walking difficult) is being attributed the spinal nerves being compressed.  Plus my lower body has early stages of peripheral neuropathy.  Seeing this on the NCV/EMG though it is scary and I still have questions- it is a relief to finally know what is going on AND there really IS something going on!

In the past month I have started getting intermittent relief from all this.  I’m still not sure what the long term effects will be.  I am also still figuring out about having surgery on the other hip- I am able to feel specific pain and know how my surgical hip is and how my bad hip is and I do think it has the same problem so it will be a matter of timing.

I have to admit I am nervous about therapy.  The therapist is glad I finally have my medical under control and being address appropriately.  He is now mentioning EDMR again…eeks

I was on Facebook and saw someone from my old hometown had posted a news story and found it odd.  I followed the link and to be honest have been in a small state of shock all week in the sense of trying to figure out what this might mean for us and our situation.

Keeping in mind that there is a bit of confusion as to our paternal father- but in a moment you might see that may not be as large of a factor in the end as it might seem.

The article was about a plant in Nitro, WV which is close to where I grew up.  The name of the plant was Monsanto.  It’s a chemical plant that still exists but not in Nitro anymore, though they still have not cleaned up the mess.  Anyway, residents had sued the company wanting them to clean up the mess and to monitor (and pay for this) for health.  The chemical they were producing?  Agent Orange!  For those who may not recognize it, it was used widely during the Vietnam War.  The US would spray it on the jungles to kill the weeds (it’s a weed killer) so they could have better visibility.  Well, as a result many in Vietnam and many troops have had many deaths, severe medical problems and birth defects in their children after the war.

So, why does this effect me?  When I saw the article I sent it to my Dad because he’s the only half sane person in my family and I just had to say something to someone back home because I mean this was a town that I grew up near and I mean we’d drive through this town and I mean it stunk.  It wasn’t the only chemical plant.  My Dad worked at FMC (another plant) and one of his uncles worked at Union Carbide.  So far as I knew, no one worked at Monsanto so I wasn’t really thinking about it, I was just shocked to learn that Agent Orange was being made right there!

Dad writes me back that night.  He says that my Grandpa, his Dad, worked there.  What?  No, he was a teacher!  Well, apparently before he worked at the Vocational school, he worked at Monsanto!  Are you kidding me?  He said that’s why his face was so scarred.  Scarred?  Now, I have to find a picture!  I don’t recall, I’m trying to focus on a picture in my mind of him, I don’t see a scarred face, I just see an old face.  Apparently it wasn’t an “old” face, it was a scarred” face.  How sad is this?  He said they worried about it so much.  They felt guilty that my uncle (my Dad’s brother) had birth defects as a result.  There have been questions raised because my brother has some of the same characteristics as my uncle.  The next door neighbor apparently also worked there and their younger son had a similar condition (at least one of the conditions)

As a child, there was talk about guilt over a job and genetics and the uncle and the brother, but never the words Monsanto or Agent Orange.  How strange it is as an adult to see this all come together.  I feel very sad for my Grandparents knowing now the magnitude of the situation.  I know that you’d never tell a child these things and I’d never have understood these things as a young child, but at the same time, it seems strange that there was “talk” but never specifics to where it made sense like it does.

I need to write the father back, because, like I said, he worked at another plant for a while, FMC.  Now, I’m not sure what his job was, or if he even knows exactly what they were producing there and understands though it wasn’t Agent Orange, it also was a pretty severe product as well.  It is also now not produced anymore for much the same reasons- it’s dangerous and causes problems.  Back to the issue of paternity though.  If, paternity is what could be, then this all would not matter in regards to my personal health though it is still very sad for the family knowing the guilt and grief they lived and carried over the years.  The maternal side of the family however, is almost riddled with even more problems.  They used the products Monsanto produced on the farms.  Now, I’m not sure that Agent Orange was ever used in the US, however, I do know that Monsanto is the producer of Weed Killers (as well as they coated seeds with protectant so that they were immune to the weed killers).  Not only did the maternal great grandparents, grandparents, and mother (and father) all handle chemicals that could not simply be purchased in a retail store (you could purchase things as a farmer that you could not purchase as a typical consumer that were stronger) and truth be told, we as kids handled these chemicals as well.

So I feel a sadness for the grandparents and the father for this information and the grandparents have since passed.  Also though, there is the medical concern.  There is not a lot of history of medical problems until you get to my generation.  In the grandparent generation there is a lot of cancer (the ones that possibly had direct contact).  The parents have had some issues here and there but not too sure what yet.  There are three girls and all three of us have severe female issues.  I have neurological issues.  My brother has issues as well as my uncle that does not fit any direct category but both are near legal blindness and have characteristics similar to autism but not direct.  I’m unsure of other issues as is common there is not a lot of talking and having been in a town for near 18 years and never knowing that what was known as the Chemical Valley was producing Agent Orange was left out all that time still leaves me speechless.

I hope I haven’t bored, but I just needed to put this out there- I find it sad and shocking and amazing how perspective makes so much difference.